Get the hell out

You’re waiting for your friend at a mall. They promised to be there at 11 am but it’s been more than an hour already. You’ve called them a few times and you just grabbed a cup of coffee because you got tired of waiting. 

You’re alone in a mall, you’ve got time to think and you start pondering over the thought that this isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s been months since you guys know each other and not once has this person come on time or taken the responsibility to change the time at which you meet. 

 

You’re used to it now, but you remember the last time you got upset. You remember how they walked in an hour late to a movie and how you were angry at them. You also very vividly remember their response, “Aw babe, you’re just overreacting. It’s only a movie and how many times have I not waited for you without complaining.” 

 

You believed them to be true and you agreed, and this topic didn’t come up after that. Every time they are late, you tell yourself, “You are overreacting”, “They have waited for you without complaining”, and “This is the least you can do, I mean it’s after all not their fault.” This time, however, it is different. You can’t help but try and remember the times they have waited for you.

You try remembering. You can’t. You try harder. Not once.

 

Instead, you remember the time you cried because you felt insecure. The time you felt like they don’t love you anymore, because they don’t spend sufficient time with you, because they’ve been acting distant lately. But again, you remember their reaction. “You’re crazy. It’s all in your head.”

 

You suppose they are right again. You once again tell yourself, “Maybe it’s all in my head.”

 

And then yet another incident pops up in your mind. 

 

And another. 

 

It’s hitting you now. It was never your fault. 

 

When you got upset at them for being late, it was because THEY WERE LATE and not because you’re crazy. When you cried because you didn’t feel loved anymore, it was because THEY WERE ACTING DISTANT and not because you were crazy. 

 

It finally gets your complete attention, and you want to know if what you’re feeling is valid because now and then they made you feel insecure about your emotions, they’ve made you question every feeling of yours and now you aren’t sure of yourself anymore. 

 

You google it. You’ve come across an article. You’ve come across a new term this time.

 

Gaslighting. 

 

What is gaslighting?

 

Ideally, gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of someone by undermining their emotions, feeling, or by denying and not acknowledging reality. It more often than not makes the person feel insecure about their own thoughts and judgment. They tend to doubt their feelings and usually completely believe what the other person says. It is a toxic trait and any amount of gaslighting in a relationship makes the entire relationship toxic and unhealthy. 

 

Where does this happen?

 

A toxic relationship reminds many people of a romantic relationship. Two people who are in love. But this misconception needs to be cleared out. Any relationship can be toxic.

Your parents can be toxic. Your best friend, your girlfriend, boyfriend, sibling, or ANYONE can be toxic. 

Gaslighting is not restricted to a romantic relationship and any form of gaslighting is not acceptable. 

 

How do you identify it?

 

The gaslighter doesn’t own up to the mistakes they make. They very easily turn it around and end up kindling emotions of doubt in the other person.  

 

If you’re being gaslighted, you’ve definitely heard these phrases or some alike. 

“It’s all in your head”

“Come on, it’s not bad. You’re just overreacting”

“Don’t be so sensitive”

“Don’t get so worked up”

“Stop taking things so personally”

After constantly listening to such things, the person being gaslighted can’t help but feel confused. 

Confused, lost, anxious, and just are overall in doubt of their own ideas and judgment.

 

Does gaslighting make you a bad person?

 

Now, let’s not directly jump to a judgment of a person. Although it is psychological manipulation, very often it could happen unknowingly or unintentionally. Everybody has the capability to be toxic but what makes you different, is your willingness to accept it and make the change. 

 

A relationship worth keeping is one that makes you feel content, happy, and accepted. You need to feel respected and you should be able to communicate without having to constantly think about how they are going to take it. Whether they’ll understand. 

 

People around you need to help you grow and shouldn’t put you down. They need to accept how you’re feeling and work for change if they’re willing to.

 

Asking for love, time and attention doesn’t make you selfish. Ask for empathy and ask for love. 

 

You’ve finally finished reading the article. Your friend has arrived. You’re a step ahead because you’ve finally identified what’s been going on for so long. 

 

Talk to them. 

 

If you still find no change, then it’s time darling. 

 

Get the hell out.